After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
