We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
