I showed him my bush... on skype.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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