And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
