wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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