Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
