I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
