what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Your shirt... Was in my pants
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
