i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
