We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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