right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How naked do you want me to be?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
