I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
