She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
