only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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