apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
