Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
