True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
