I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
