Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
