if you like me you must not know who I am
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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