So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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