in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
