Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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