totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
