I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
