i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
