So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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