Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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