I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
BRING THE BAGELS
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
