I wish I could teleport
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
