I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
