Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
