Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
