Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
