"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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