I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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