I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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