My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
