There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
