I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
