sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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