dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
