Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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