Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
