Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
