When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
