so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
FUCK WHALES
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