just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
is this the sara with the beer cane?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
