ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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