You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
