The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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