Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
