Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
