I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize