Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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