I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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