Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
