Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
