Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
