She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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