when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
