Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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