Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the day after is always just damage control
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
