No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
