i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
