i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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