I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
