through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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