I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
